Bittersweet

It's strange how once you become a parent, the things you used to look forward to change. Now I look forward to my daughter babbling in the morning so I can see her smiling face again. I look forward to her new words and watching her learn new things. And tomorrow, I leave to Chicago for 5 days and it's still exciting, but yet there's a piece of me that doesn't want to leave. To know I won't see my daughter for almost a week and how much my family has to take on since I'm the one who brings the kids to and from daycare everyday, it's a little worrisome leaving that up to everyone else.

You see, I'm also a little bit of a control freak. I live by the philosophy that if you want something done right, you just do it yourself. But I have to let that go this week... I know they're all capable of taking excellent care of Sami, but they're not her mommy and will they enjoy it like I do. You see, I also don't feel like taking care of Sami is a job, I enjoy every moment I have with her. Which brings me to my next issue... from the day she was born, I've wondering how it's possible to have another child. Will there be enough room in my heart for another one? Will I love another one as much as I love her? Will she lose something because she has to share Jason and I? All these things make me question having another. BUT, I also don't want her to be an only child. I loved having older brothers and the relationships that come along with that and do not want to deprive her of that relationship. So I know the answers to these questions, because if it weren't possible, I wouldn't be here because my mom would have stopped with my oldest brother. And millions of people would not have more then 1 child. So I will have another, but I still wonder if I'll be different.

So back to Chicago, I am looking forward to being mostly responsible free for 5 days. And I'm looking forward to not planning my days around Sami's schedule. And I'm also looking forward to spending some time with just the girls. BUT, it doesn't mean I'm not going to have a hard time being away from Sami... but that's where the alcohol will help :o) That's another thing, I haven't had a night out without having to worry about the morning in I can't remember how long. So it's bittersweet! I'm nervous that I'm going to forget something, so I guess I should probably get off the computer and get to it so I'm not rushed. Here's hoping I'm not sitting in a bar in Chicago on Friday night crying because I miss my baby.