WOW!

I didn't think I'd be back, but I'm hoping this will be therapeutic. I'm now a mother of two beautiful and wonderful, at times down right annoying, little girls. Let's be honest, I'm not the most patient person so it's not all their fault.

Sami is now 3 1/2. She's in dancing, wants to be in soccer and loves to play with perler beads, play dough and markers. She has become quite the little helper.

Josie is now 1 1/2. She loves to cuddle, read books, and eat. She adores her older sister as long as Sami doesn't smother her and her first word was momma.

I adore my girls and think they are both great kids, but I just don't know how people do it. Jason has gotten better with helping, but I still feel so overwhelmed and exhausted most days. I knew parenthood would be hard, but WOW!!!

A few weeks ago I went to the Women of Faith conference with my mom and came away feeling so strong and refreshed and level headed, but it's amazing how short lived that is. For about a week or two I felt great, but now it's like I did a 180. I feel depressed, negative, defeated and fat. I know if I started going to the gym regularly or could even control my eating that I would feel better, but I can't do any of it. I have no motivation and even less discipline. I was so excited to get my new job and now even that makes me sad. I used to be a big part of my old sales team and now they don't tell me anything and in my new position, I'm the red-headed step child that gets left out of everything. On top of that, I have two beautiful best friends and even though they would never say it and probably don't think it, I feel like I'm going to get left out with them too because why would they want to hang out their poor, depressed, fat friend when they have each other. And on top of all that, I have a brother that wants nothing to do with me. I hate feeling this way, it's not fair to my daughters and it's not fair to my husband.

I know what most people would say, go to the doctor and get put on meds. But even when I was on them, I couldn't remember to take them everyday so what good are they... I can't even remember to take antibiotics for 10 days like you're supposed to. Plus I know the root problem of it all is my weight and self-esteem and a pill can't fix that.

Maybe it's just the holidays that are making me feel this way. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, but now I can't wait until it's over. I have over 6 more weeks of having to listen to Sami say "I want that" after every toy commercial on tv knowing that I can't afford any of it because Jason is going to be laid off for 3 more weeks between now and New Years. And the idea of dragging out the Christmas tree and all the decorations seems more like a punishment than an enjoyment since I know it will turn into an argument with Sami because I don't want her to break anything and constantly telling Josie to stay away until I take it back down after Christmas... and I'll have to do it all by myself since Jason won't help. And what I miss most of all was the excitement of going to my grandma's on Christmas Eve and seeing all my cousins. Now nobody even goes and this is going to be the last year my grandma has Christmas at her house and it just sucks.

What I really want is to go back to high school and appreciate all the freedom, irresponsibility and metabolism I had so I could redo my life knowing what I know now... but since that's not an option, I'll just feel sorry for myself and so a prayer in hopes that God can help me through.

It's For Certain

So as I stated in the last post, I'm impatient. So we had another ultrasound done and this was a 4D one this time. It's definitely a girl. Which I'm okay with and so is Jason.

I think it was really great for us to see the 4D ultrasound too. By the time we left the appointment, we were both perfectly fine with the idea of having another girl. But then Jason threw me a curve ball... he said that we shouldn't take any steps to never have another child. He wants to leave it open to maybe try for a boy in the future... which means a third child. WOOO!!! Where did that come from??? We've always talked about only having two. But I did agree that we don't need to take any permanent steps at this time, but that obviously it'll depend on our finances and Jason's job in the future. Who would've thought it?

So the ultrasound was almost a month ago and we spent an entire weekend getting the house ready for the new baby. We're all set to go and now it's just the final 3 months of waiting. Sami definitely has some jealousy issues with the baby stuff in the house, but we're hoping that she'll be over it by the time that Josie actually gets here. Oh by the way, baby girl will be named Josie... Jason won on that.

And can you believe it that my little girl is going to be 2-years old in just a matter of weeks. OMG!!! She has definitely been a hand full lately, but I don't know that it's necessarily her or a combination of her being two and me being really pregnant. I have a shorter fuse because I'm sore and tired all the time and I feel horrible because I don't have as much patience with her, but I'm learning to ask Jason to step in more before I get to my boiling point and that seems to help so I can calm down and tell myself that she's only two. I think a lot of it too is that she just doesn't fully understand the whole baby thing. She climbs on me constantly even when I tell her not to and really she likes to smother me a lot... which can actually be sweet except when I don't want to be touched because my body aches so much. So balance is what I'm searching for... maybe I need to start meditating to find my center. Do you believe in that stuff?

So next week I have my glucose test at the doctor for my 28-week check-up. Then starting with my check-up in April I have appointments every 2 weeks. And then before you know it May will be here and I will have weekly appointments and then baby will be here. Again... where did the time go?

Impatient

So I know the sonographer said that she was "fairly certain" that we were having a girl... but I'm not so sure anymore. I mean waht does fairly certain mean anyway. I'm fairly certain about things that never actually happen.

So you may be wondering "Why would I be questioning this all of a sudden?". Well...
1. My instincts just don't believe I'm having a girl, they haven't from the beginning
2. Jason's sister Carrie had a dream that we're having a boy and she's only been wrong twice
3. Nancy had a dream that we were having a boy and she was right with Sami

I know dreams don't mean a lot, but my instincts definitely do. So now I may go have a 3D/4D ultrasound. The pricing has come down a lot and costs the same as the 2D did when I had it done with Sami. UGH!!! Why am I so darn impatient?

Amazing and Hopeful

So on Tuesday, I was like many millions of Americans who watched the inauguration while I supposed to be working. It was slow at work and I have 2 monitors so I continued to do what I would've done anyway. So I couldn't believe how emotional I got watching it all. I cried on Tuesday watching Biden and Obama being sworn in and during Obama's speech. And then again on Tuesday afternoon while watching a Tivo'd episode of Oprah from Monday and listening to Joe Biden speak and then again while they did a video montage of Martin Luther King, Jr and Barack Obama... it was just so powerful. I first "met" Barack Obama a couple years ago while watching Oprah, just a senator and before any announcement of running for president. It was that day that I feel for him. Just listening to him speak and how eloquent and poised he was even then. And then there's Michelle Obama and how they look at each other and the admiration between them... you can't fake that, it's a genuine love between them. Oprah did ask him that day if he was going to run for president in 2008 and I don't know his exact words, but I remember thinking that day that if he ran for president, I would back him, which I did without any doubts. He just gave me so much to look forward to and I think that's what this country needs right now, the HOPE that we can be better and do more. Even if he doesn't accomplish everything he set out to do, he will have accomplished something much more then our last president and that is bringing hope and excitement to the American people.

I can remember before Sami was born how terrified I was to be bringing a child into this broken world of ours and it's only gotten worse since she was born... but Tuesday changed that. I no longer fear having a child in this world of ours, I feel so much hope and belief that maybe not in the next couple years, but at least in the next decade, we will be a better nation. A place where our children can thrive and a nation to once again be proud of and you can't put a price on that. And the most amazing part of it all, it took only one man. A man whose mother probably never held him in her arms and thought "Son, you will someday bring this nation together and be president". That's powerful to me... when I look at Sami, I just hope that she makes the right decisions and is happy in her life, but there's now the possibility to look at her and think she could someday be president of the United States. AMAZING!!!

Or Not?

Okay so Jason still seems to think that we're going to have a boy... not sure where he gets it, but if that hope makes him feel better, then so be it. Then today I was looking at babycenter.com and there was an entire thread on ultrasounds and I would say I read at least 30 comments from women who were told at 18-21 week ultrasounds that they were having girls and ended up with a boy. So maybe there's still a possibility??? It did really make me think that there may be hope for a boy still considering she couldn't get a great view since the baby was curled in a ball and then only when we were done said she was "fairly certain" that it was a girl. So I guess there really is the chance that it's a boy. I'm just going to not buy much new stuff just in case it is a boy and then I have a bunch of girl stuff. I already have a few girly things that will get me by and if it ends up being a boy, then I send my mom or Nancy shopping while I"m in the hospital to pick up a few things. It'll be fine, I'm just going with her being a girl for now and if she ends up being a boy, then it's just a pleasant surprise that's all.

It's Another Girl

We had our ultrasound on Friday, Jan 16th. The sonographer tried forever to get a good glimpse, but for most of the ultrasound, baby was curled in a ball. But at the end after giving up the sonographer said she was fairly certain it's a girl. I asked if she saw something and she said she saw the parts, but that you can never be 100% when it comes to girls... but we're going with it. I was a little disappointed since I was really hoping for a boy for Jason's sake and I'm a little terrified of having 2 teenage girls, but there's nothing we can do about it. We had our doctor appt right after the ultrasound and she said that the baby looks great, all it's organs are perfect and the size is right on target with the due date we had set which is June 4th so that's not changing. She did say however that towards the end there will be additional monitoring due to new guidelines dealing with overweight moms so that's the only new thing since having Sami for us. Maybe we'll get another ultrasound out of it that we can confirm the sex, but we're pretty confident that the sonographer was right. It is kind of nice not having to worry about buying a whole new wardrobe since I have at least 3-4 rubber tuppers full of clothes.

What Makes Me Smile

Seriously... how cute is she?