Sick

So I've been sick for a few days now and I'm tired of it. I think I may have bronchitis or pneumonia, but I don't want to go to the doctor just to have them tell me that it's just a cold, go home drink plenty of fluids and rest. I used to never think twice about going to the doctor until I started to actually pay attention to my insurance bills. I never worried about it in the past, but that's because I wasn't paying attention. I actually have 2 insurances, one with my company and one with Jason's and we pay for it and then pay a copay, but yet if I need to have a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia, it's going to cost me about an additional $100. How does that make sense? I always wondered what the health care crisis was in America and I never really believed it until recently. After talking to a friend that pays hundreds of dollars for Cobra each month and yet nothing is really covered. So why do we pay for insurance if in the end we just have to fight them to cover what they say they'll cover and then not cover what we really need.

So instead of seeking the help I need, I sit her coughing horribly, not being able to take a deep breath, having hot flashes and physically weak. This just isn't right. I love doctors... I hate insurance companies.

The last time I had pneumonia was over Thanksgiving... I was in the Emergency Room on a Monday in Shakopee... insurance billed me over $400 for this visit because they said it was a non-emergency. I've since fought that down to just a $100 co-pay since I went into the ER with shortness of breath and was diagnosed with pneumonia and possibly asthma. Mind you at this same time I had diarrhea like you wouldn't believe. So we headed to North Dakota anyway and on Thanksgiving day, I was taken to URGENT CARE in Grand Forks because I still had diarrhea and my body was so weak I could barely move. After some tests they found that my kidneys were malfunctioning because I was so dehydrated. So they put in the ER to have a couple IVs of fluid. And after 8 days of diarrhea and 2 visits to the ER/Urgent Care, no one could explain it to me. Love the medical world but love the insurance companies even more. I'm still fighting that insurance bill. Just one more question and I'll let it go... Why can't the insurance companies and the hospital billing department talk to each other?

Okay I'll let it go... I ranted and now I'm better. Well at least until I get my next insurance bill.

Parenting

Who knew it was going to be this tough? I knew being a parent wasn't going to be the easiest thing in the world, but I do have to say up until recently it really has been. Sami is the easiest child and I love her death, but we're going through a rough time right now with her. It's really been since I got back from Chicago, so I feel like maybe it's my fault or maybe it's just teething... either way it took it's toll on me last night. Sami has been putting up a fight when we put her down to sleep lately and then she'll wake up screaming in the night. Then when I go to check on her, she's standing in her crib wide awake and if you get too close to her, she'll cling to your shirt and scream when you make her let go.

This brings us to last night. I knew my mom was right when she told me that I needed to just let her cry it out, but I never imagined it would be so hard. So Sami went down pretty easy last night, but then woke up at 11:00 screaming. So I did what mom said to, I went in her room, put her nuk in her mouth, laid her down and didn't say a word to her... problem was that I think it made it worse. I did this every 5 minutes for 15 minutes until she started to calm down more, so I just didn't go in, but then I was in tears during that time. I've never heard her so upset, even when a chair was on her toes earlier in the night she wasn't that upset. It broke my heart listening to her and made me feel like the worst mom in the world... it didn't help that Jason wasn't super supportive, he kept criticizing me for going in in the first place. But who would've thought that it actually worked. I heard her get up once again in the night, but she went right back to sleep... so night one - SUCCESS for Sami... not so much for mommy.

Now I can't wait until church next week... they're starting a 3 week series on parenting... couldn't have better timing. I just love MeadowSpring and enjoy being a part of such an amazing church that puts so much focus on the community. There's going to be some amazing things happening in Shakopee this summer and MeadowSpring will be the drive behind it and I'm proud to say that I'll be a part of it... it reminds of Oprah's Big Give for the town of Shakopee and I'm excited to see what happens. Shakopee has been my home for over 20 years of my life and I look forward to giving back to the community that's supported me through most of my life.

Who's Benefiting

So today is National Take Your Daughter to Work Day and it had me thinking... Who does this day really benefit? You see, when I was a kid, I always wanted to get out of school for a day to go with my mom, but she didn't have a job where I could. Then finally when she had a different job, I was in high school and had so much homework that I couldn't even enjoy a day off. I still remember thinking "How does my mom know how to do all this stuff and how does she know what it all means?" And now I know, it's just experience and we learn. After being at my job for 8 years now, I realize that when you do something enough, you get to a point when you don't even have to think about it anymore... you're just on auto-pilot.

So now I sit here listening to my co-worker explain to her 7-year old daughter how she's placing a $1000 credit on a customer's account and I have to ask myself again... who does this benefit? As exciting as we try to make our job, we still just sit at a desk all day, typing on the computer, talking on the phone and discussing cell phones. We may think it's more exciting then other jobs, put to a 7-year old, it's just as boring as being an accountant or studying dirt for a living. So in the end I've decided it's the parent... sure the child gets to see what we do, but maybe the mystery and their imagination of what we do is way cooler then the truth. But I got to show my daughter off for the day and hear everyone tell me how cute she is... so overall, I am the one with the ego boost and the benefit. So will I bring Sami next year... you bet your ass I will!!!

Chicago Funny

So I wanted to spare you all the details, but left out some funny stuff that happened while I was in Chicago. So after a night out drinking, we headed back to the hotel around 1:30am. Jessie was hungry so she ordered some room service. After finishing about half her burger and fires, we put the room service tray in the hallway so it didn't stink up the room. About 15 minutes later we hear some loud, drunk girls in the hallway laughing and falling into things. All of a sudden the noise was right outside our door... and then clitter and clattering followed by more loud, obnoxious laughter. When it clicked... they're eating Jessie's leftover food aren't they? Nancy looked out the peep hole and sure enough there they were burger and fries in hand rolling around the hallway. WHO DOES THAT??? Disgusting... after that someone must have asked them to quiet down, which if I had actually been sleeping I would have been pissed to awaken to them. And the girls didn't politely oblige, they got louder and started screaming profanitys at the person to shut up themselves and mind their own f*ck*ng business... now that's what I call class.

Just Windy

Wow I feel like I've been away for so long. So I went to Chicago last Wed for work. What a fiasco getting to the airport. How is that they can run out of parking? How does that happen? After talking to some co-workers it seems more common that I you would think. I don't know about you but if I were in charge of the airport I would maybe consider adding more parking... come on people. So they redirected me to park at the Humphrey terminal saying it's only 5 minutes away. But what they don't tell you is that you have to walk about a mile and sweat your ass off which adds about 20-30 minutes to your parking time. Not a good way to start my trip. Then my flight was delayed about an hour "due to wind in Chicago"... ummm aren't they known as "The Windy City"??? Shouldn't they be a little more used to wind? Anyway I did finally make it to my hotel after about an hour and half in the back of an airport shuttle that threw my neck out of line... it actually hurt until Friday morning.

So I'll spare you all the details of my trip, but I did survive the MidWest earthquake on Friday morning... it was the craziest thing. I woke up around 4:30 rocking back and forth in my bed. Since my flight was delayed due to wind, I just assumed it was really windy out... I was on the 24th floor so what else could it have been. I went back to sleep and thought nothing of it. That is until I turned the tv on in the morning and it was all over that there was an 5.2 earthquake in Southern Illinois... HOLY CRAP I thought... that wasn't wind, it was a frickin earthquake. How unreal?

So it was great to get away, but boy did I miss Sami. When I walked into my house on Sunday and Sami came running around the corner, all I could do was cry and pick her up and hold her and tell her how much I missed her and loved her. I just sat down and held her and looked at her. She is truly the most amazing little girl. Her smile makes my heart glow and I love her so much. I don't think I will ever take that much time away from her until she gets older.

Bittersweet

It's strange how once you become a parent, the things you used to look forward to change. Now I look forward to my daughter babbling in the morning so I can see her smiling face again. I look forward to her new words and watching her learn new things. And tomorrow, I leave to Chicago for 5 days and it's still exciting, but yet there's a piece of me that doesn't want to leave. To know I won't see my daughter for almost a week and how much my family has to take on since I'm the one who brings the kids to and from daycare everyday, it's a little worrisome leaving that up to everyone else.

You see, I'm also a little bit of a control freak. I live by the philosophy that if you want something done right, you just do it yourself. But I have to let that go this week... I know they're all capable of taking excellent care of Sami, but they're not her mommy and will they enjoy it like I do. You see, I also don't feel like taking care of Sami is a job, I enjoy every moment I have with her. Which brings me to my next issue... from the day she was born, I've wondering how it's possible to have another child. Will there be enough room in my heart for another one? Will I love another one as much as I love her? Will she lose something because she has to share Jason and I? All these things make me question having another. BUT, I also don't want her to be an only child. I loved having older brothers and the relationships that come along with that and do not want to deprive her of that relationship. So I know the answers to these questions, because if it weren't possible, I wouldn't be here because my mom would have stopped with my oldest brother. And millions of people would not have more then 1 child. So I will have another, but I still wonder if I'll be different.

So back to Chicago, I am looking forward to being mostly responsible free for 5 days. And I'm looking forward to not planning my days around Sami's schedule. And I'm also looking forward to spending some time with just the girls. BUT, it doesn't mean I'm not going to have a hard time being away from Sami... but that's where the alcohol will help :o) That's another thing, I haven't had a night out without having to worry about the morning in I can't remember how long. So it's bittersweet! I'm nervous that I'm going to forget something, so I guess I should probably get off the computer and get to it so I'm not rushed. Here's hoping I'm not sitting in a bar in Chicago on Friday night crying because I miss my baby.

Through the eyes of a child

Wouldn't it be great if we could remember what it was like to be a child? I just watch my daughter and wonder what she's thinking when she squeals with joy for no apparent reason. Or she giggles when no one else is nearby. Or she can just look at you grinning from ear to ear and you did nothing to enteratin her. Wouldn't it be wonderful to find such amazement in God's simplest gifts? The one thing I do find amazement in every single day is her... she's such a wonderful and amazing gift that God has given me. All she has to do is look at me and grin and I can't help by grin back. Or she just has to start babbling and I can't help but smile because whatever it is she's trying to say, it sounds so very sweet and interesting. I knew children were a gift, but I never knew until I had my own what a truly AMAZING and wonderful gift they were.

Thank you today God for putting this amazing and beautiful child in my life... I will forever be grateful!

God and Money

Week one of going to church... SUCCESSFUL... and what a great message to make it for... today Jon talked about money. A sore subject but yet one that needs to be addressed. Jason and I do make good money, but I know I overspend. He probably would be pretty good if it wasn't for me, except he does like new shiny things just as much as I do. So this was a great message for me to hear. You see everything we have and everything we've been given belongs 100% to God... he just loans it to us to "manage". That includes your house, cars, children, job, etc... EVERYTHING! So as long as you manage his things well, you will receive more. It's like this... if you invest money into stocks, typically a broker takes care of it for you. After one year if you go back to that broker and find out he hasn't done a thing with your money, or he's lost it all, you're not going to give him more to invest, you're going to find someone else to do it for you. That's how God looks at what he's given you, if you do nothing with it or you blow it all, why would he give you more. CLICK!!! That did it for me... what an amazing concept. I think it was in Mark 25:14-30 that Jon referenced, but I wrote it down and can't find it.

So beginning today, I am going to try to think about that when it comes to my life. We're not poor and most of the time we do not live paycheck to paycheck, but there's definitely room to improve how Jason and I manage our money and our lives. I've never been real good with a budget, but I will pray and ask God to help me with this. At this point I would be so grateful to get to the point where the only debt I carry is my house... where Jason and I are in our lives, I think that's a great goal and really we aren't all that far away. We need to give more and spend less... easy enough concept.

Another thing Jon brought up today is to spend time with God each and every day. I've done this before and it is truly amazing how your life can change and the peace that you can find everyday. So I am going to take my bible out and dust it off and get back into it. And something else that always worked for me is that everyday on my drive home from work, I would talk to God and pray. It's 15-20 minutes that I have nothing better going on so why not take that time and do something important and meaningful... so I am going to start doing that again. Watch out world... are you ready for a new me?

Selfishness

I will admit that at times I can be selfish, I think everyone can be and even at times needs to be. But when it comes to your child, I think that's one circumstance where selfishness is not allowed. Now don't get me wrong, you do need time away from your child and I don't consider that selfish as long as it's not hurting your relationship with your child. But when you put your own needs and wants above your child's safety and overall well-being that's completely selfish and just wrong.

Yesterday was a very emotionally taxing day. My brother is going through a divorce and has full physical custody of their 5-year old boy. My brother provides everything for my nephew and does an amazing job taking care of him. Yet his ex could care less about her son. To her he's just a pawn in a game. She doesn't realize or she doesn't care that the decisions she is making are not what's best for her son and that she's playing a game with people's lifes and that's not right or fair for any of them. I just feel so sad for my nephew that someday he will know what kind of person his mother was and the emotional roller coaster he is going to be on the rest of his life because of who she is. But all I can do is hug him and love him and try to make up for what his mother will not and can not provide because that's what he deserves. As my mom would tell me and I try to do... Let go and let God. There's nothing I can do to change the horrible monster that is my ex-sister-in-law. God is the only one with the power to do that. So I will let it go and let God take care of her.

Speaking of God... I've really been wanting to go to church every Sunday, but have had a difficult time making the commitment... not because I don't want to, but because I have so much other "stuff" going on. I need to schedule that time for God each week and do the best I can to keep that appointment, which anyone who knows me will tell you that I hate when things don't go according to plan, so here's my word and commitment to schedule time for God. I never felt as good in my life as when I was going to church every Sunday, attending Alpha once a week and praying daily... life was great and I felt the best I ever had. I want that again and I will make it happen.

Virgin

Well this would be the first time I've ever done this. I was inspired by reading my friend Linda's blog and it inspired me to give it a shot. I post stories on my daughter's site and I have the social sites MySpace and Facebook... but blogging, that's a first. I don't even know if anyone wants to hear what I have to say, but I figure it's a way for me to share my thoughts and if you don't want to read you don't have to.

I've been struggling with my weight my whole life and I've been successful in the past, but it's just harder this time. I can't get over my food addiction and I don't know why. I've been working out pretty regularly for the past month, but it's just not enough... I have to get my eating under control. It's not even like I over eat, I just eat the wrong things. UGH!!! I guess I'm looking for an easy way out and I know there isn't one. I know because I've been looking for it for the past 10 years.

This past weekend my brother's and I were giving my mom a hard time about who her favorite kid was and I was right... we're all her favorites for different reasons so I asked... "Mom what is it about me that makes me your favorite?" And she told me... "it's your smile... and besides those few days every month, you're such a happy person to be around". She also said "Sami is just like you, when she smiles it's contagious". It just really made me think... You know I think I'm a pretty likable person. I'm happy 95% of the time. I'm friendly and approachable. And for the most part I like myself, I just don't like the shell that's all kept in. Weight Watchers has always worked, but I just can't spend the money anymore... daycare and diapers really add up. I just need to make the commitment to myself to do something about it. Only I can change this problem, so I'm not hurting anyone but myself when I make these poor decisions.

I made a commitment to my daughter before she was born that she would not have a fat mom... now I need to stick with it, because I never want to disappoint my daughter or not deliver on a promise. It's in writing now so you can keep me in check.