To be or not to be

It's so hard to believe that my baby is almost 15 months old... where did the time go? It's so funny how all the things people tell you when you're pregnant are acutally true. A few that I have learned is...

1. Sleep when the baby sleeps - I thought I would do fine just following my old schedule and quickly learned this is a great one to follow
2. Time flys, so take lots of pictures because before you know she'll be grown - SO TRUE!!! It feels like I just started back at work from maternity leave, yet I have a kid that's walking, understanding everything you tell her and talking back
3. Kids love schedules - I followed this one pretty well from the beginning and it has paid off huge... Sami sleeps an average of 12 hours a night and naps 2-4 hours a day
4. You can't spoil a baby, but you can spoil a toddler - I have my moments of weakness and I can already see where I need to tighten the reigns
5. Be consistent - Sami already tests me so much and I'm learning everyday how important consistency is
6. Make time for your spouse - Jason and I have done a horrible job of this, but I just feel so bad asking people to watch Sami especially since she goes to bed so early, I don't want to inconvenience people to have to come over to my house and just sit there while she sleeps
7. If you waited until you could afford a kid, you'd never have one, you just find a way - absolutely true

All things that are so true and so important and definitely a "to do" list for any parents out there... I'm doing my best and that's all you can ask for at the end of the day.

So with all of that said... Jason and I had always planned to have 2 kids and we wanted them to be 2-3 years apart in age. Well that timeframe is fast approaching. But there's so many things to factor in whether to start or not... I mean it could happen at any time since I haven't been on birth control since January, but I'd like to think we're old pros at this so we know when to prevent and when not to if you know what I mean... and if it happens in the mean time, then that's God's plan for us. But if he's leaving it in our hands, then I'm having a difficult time with it.

On the economical side of things there's the following to consider: the difficult economy (housing crisis, rising gas and food prices, weakening dollar, downward spiraling stock market and so forth), Jason's future with Ford or another company, the cost of having 2 kids in daycare and everyday living expenses for a family of 4. All are definitely things to consider, but that brings you back to point #7 above. But if I felt like some of those things were in my control, I feel so much better about just letting go and letting God, but so many of them are out of our control. I have to drive to work everyday and we're not in a position to sell either of our vehicles at this point to get something more fuel efficient or cheaper. I would love to sell our house and get a smaller mortgage payment, but with our neighbors desperate offer on their house, it gives us no chance to come out ahead and get a fair price. We have to buy food and we're doing our best to eat out less and only buy generic brands. Ford may stay open longer, but there's no guarantee at this point so we still plan our futures with Sept 2009 as his end date. I can tell you this... if we were told tomorrow that Ford will be here for another 2-3 years, I'd get pregnant in a heartbeat because that is my biggest concern... where will Jason be after that? How much will he be making?

And then on the emotional side of it all is the biggest question in my heart: Can I possibly love another child as much as I love Sami? And will I feel guilty for taking a piece of my heart away and giving it to another child? I know the logical answers to those questions because if it wasn't possible, people would never have more then 2 children and I was a 3rd child and never felt like I was missing out on any part of my mother's love. But when I'm sitting there alone with Sami and she's sitting quietly on my lap, I can't help but think about if there was a baby there and how I may not be able to do that because "I'm busy with the baby right now". It's not like she does that a lot so when she has those sweet cuddly moments on a whim, I don't want to miss out on them because I was too busy to pay attention. I'm getting choked up right now just thinking about it. And I already have a hard time making time for Jason, much less adding another child into the mix. But I definitely don't want Sami to be an only child and I can't wait to be pregnant again.

And finally the physical side. The hardest of them all for me. My constant battle with trying to lose weight. When I got pregnant with Sami I was going to Weight Watchers and had lost 30 lbs which put me in a much better place while carrying the baby weight. So now I'm back at my pre-Weight Watchers weight and I hate it. I don't understand how at this weight I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight, yet when I'm 30lbs lighter and eat this way, I gain weight... how does that make sense. I hate the weight I'm at, but have absolutely no self-control. I do well at the gym for short periods, but have such a hard time sticking with it when I have a hard time fitting it in now and then not seeing results because I'm not being consistent. But my biggest problem is food. I know what I should eat, I look at it and think about it, but then when faced with the actual decision, I make the wrong one EVERY TIME!!! It's my demon. So I've looked at the Lap Band and thought about it and want to talk to a doctor about it, but then they'll probably want me to wait until after I have my next baby, but at the same time am really nervous about getting pregnant at this weight as I should be. I'm just so mad at myself for not making better chioces after I stopped breastfeeding... I had lost all my baby weight and was feeling great and I threw it all away. UGH... I HATE THE CONTROL FOOD HAS OVER ME!!! But I don't know how to stop it. I can't afford Weight Watchers and even if I could, I don't know if it would make a difference this time... I'm on a downward spiral, out of control and I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it right now.